I read a book!!!!

I know what you're thinking: who gives a shit? Well...I give a shit, okay? Now you're probably asking why I would give a shit about something so insignificant. I will tell you why: the fact I read a book is very significant. You see...just a few months ago, I was self-diagnosed with Reader's ADD (the official term for this disease is Icantbebotheredtoreadawholefuckingbookicitis, but for obvious reasons, it was given a much shorter name - mainly due to the fact that people with Reader's ADD can't pay attention long enough to write the whole name out). Unfortunately for me, the only cure for this debilitating disease is a good book. This cure is so hard to come by when one is already suffering from the disease. But last week, by some MIRACLE, I found my cure. (Actually, sadly, there is no cure for ADD...just temporary treatments, but I like to call them "cures" because it sounds so much more uplifting.)

I just finished reading The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. You see...I work at a bookstore, and I have stared at this fucking book for the past, I dunno, 2 years or so, because it's been on the New York Times Best Seller List for almost the same amount of time, and our little NYT Best Sellers section is located just a few feet away from our counter. Every day, a customer would ask me, "OMG HAVE YOU READ THE DA VINCI CODE?!?!" and I always say no, because up until just last week, I hadn't read it. I felt kinda stupid. I mean...I work at a bookstore, and that book is number one on the Best Seller's list. Naturally, I felt as though I should read it...if only just to be able to say "HEY! I READ IT!!!"

The book is really good - I highly recommend it. It kept my interest up until the very end. The chapters are very short. Me likey. It was also very informative. It talked a lot about art (I heart art), and a lot about religion (I don't heart religion). It was also fast-paced and suspenseful. I give it two thumbs up, and would recommend it to anyone who also suffers from Reader's ADD like me. Dan Brown is a miracle worker.

I'm being forced to post.

Keitha just said to me on AIM (and I'm not making this up), "Amanda, if you don't go post on your blog, I am going to kidnap your dog." Now, I know what you're thinking - BITCH! Right? That's what I was thinking, too! Regardless, I truly value her friendship (and my dog), so I decided to post.

But suddenly, I realized something: I don't have a dog. I haven't had a dog since I was a little girl. Therefore, her threat meant nothing to me. Eventually, she realized this fact herself, and came up with a new threat (and I'm not making this one up, either): "Amanda," she said, "if you don't post on your blog, I'm going to cry myself to sleep, because you have been depriving me too long of your incredible wit and excellent writing skills."

Needless to say...that threat worked. So Keitha - this blog entry is dedicated to you.

Under construction again.

I've been bored with my former template for a long time now, but I finally got bored enough to change it. However, what I have come up with so far has taken me a couple of hours, and I'm tired and want to go to bed. So...I will work on it some more tomorrow. In the meantime, if anyone would like to give me some feedback, it would be greatly appreciated. Are the colors okay? Can you read the content, or are the backgrounds a little too "busy"? Am I color-coordinated? I wanna know, so drop me a comment. Oh yeah...and I have to remember to fix my comments section, don't I? I'll bet it still looks like it did in the old template. *Sigh* I'm seeing all blurry now.

I hate pain.

I just realized that I have not complained about my health on my blog lately, and I felt as if maybe I should update everyone with new complaints, so my readers can give me some sympathy.

I'm in so much pain right now. :-( So much pain, in fact, that I just used a sideways frowny face (I try to avoid sideways smilies at all costs, using them only when absolutely necessary). My face really, really hurts. As do both sides of my jaw. I feel all tense, like I need some sort of facial massage. Or, better yet, like I need to just cut my head off altogether. If I was decapitated, it would solve about 85% of my health complaints. Of course, it would also solve 100% of all of my problems, cuz I'd be dead.

So I took an Excedrin a little while ago. I am hoping it will numb the pain just a little...but I think that's asking for too much. :-( Oh no. I used the frowny face again.

You've all been so patient!

I have finally written the third installment of my immensley popular "Scary Shit" series. I hope it was worth the wait!


Scary Shit 3: Twist Ending

by Amanda


One week ago today, the beautiful, fairly large-breasted woman of Dirk Kirkland's life (Britney Smith) was brutally murdered - stabbed visciously by an unkown Man With The Knife, soon after Britney and Dirk had passionate mind-blowing sex.

Dirk was now dating Samantha Banger - the most popular girl in school. Well...the most popular now that the other two most popular girls in school had been hacked to death.

"I feel so sad for Britney and Candie," said Samantha. Candie was Man With The Knife's first victim, and also Samantha's half cousin twice-removed. "I truly believe they are in Heaven now, looking down upon us."

Uh oh, thought Dirk. If Britney was looking down upon them, then she probably saw him and Samantha in the shower together last night. "Yeah," Dirk said, clearing his throat, "Heaven."

"Want to go out on a date tonight?" asked Samantha. "We could head up to Lover's Lane and make out. You can touch my boobs. Again."

"Uh..." said Dirk nervously. "That sounds great. But is it such a good idea for us to be roaming around after dark, with a serial killer on the loose?"

Samantha shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

"Okay then," Dirk said.


LATER THAT EVENING...


Dirk drove up to Lover's Lane, where he would eventually make out with Samantha and touch her boobs. He parked the car. They were the only ones up there that evening.

"I'll be right back," said Samantha flirtaciously.

"Okay!" said Dirk excitedly. He couldn't wait to touch her boobs.

Samantha got out of the car. Dirk realized afterwards that it was very stupid to let her go out into the dark, menacing, isolated world without him, but he had complete faith that nothing bad would happen to h-

"AGHHHHH!" somebody screamed.

Dirk recognized the scream as Samantha. "Oh noes!" he cried. Quickly, he exited the car and followed the screams. As he ran, terrible thoughts ran through his head - what if something bad happened to Samantha? He wouldn't get to make out with her. He wouldn't get to touch her boobs. Well actually, he could still touch her boobs, even if she were murdered, which was cool.

"I'm coming sweetie!!!" he yelled bravely.

Finally, he found her...on the ground...completely still. "Oh no," he muttered. "You've been murdered!" He frowned. He paused for a moment of silence, in memory of Samantha, and then reached out to touch her boob.

But before his hand could reach her bosom, a hand shot out and grabbed his arm. Her hand. Samantha's hand.

"WTF?!" said Dirk in a very confused voice.

Samantha smiled up at him, and then her other arm shot out. Her hand was holding a knife.

Dirk gasped frightenedly and jumped up and backed away from her. "OMG! Samantha! What are you doing with that knife?"

"I'm the killer," said Samantha.

"Oh," said Dirk. "But why? Why did you do it?"

"Because," said Samantha. "I wanted to be the most popular girl in school. Candie was the most popular girl, so I killed her. However, I had no idea that her death would mean that Britney would then be considered the most popular girl. So...I killed her too. Now I'm the most popular girl in school! Yay!"

This all made sense to Dirk. "Okay. So then why are you going to kill me?"

Samantha laughed. "Oh, I'm not going to kill you, silly. Look! This knife isn't even real! It's one of those retractable rubber knives! LOL!" She stuck the retractable rubber knife into her abdomen and laughed.

"OH! Hahahahaha!" Dirk said in relieved voice. He and Samantha started walking back towards his fancy, really expensive car. "So...wait a second. There is still something about this whole thing that is bothering me."

"Yes, snookums?" Samantha said, giving Dirk a peck on the cheek.

"Well...the killer was always described as a male...you know...The Man With The Knife. Why is that, I wonder?" Dirk looked confused.

Samantha smiled. "Oh. That. Right. Well...you see...I used to be Samuel Banger. I got a sex change two years ago. So technically...I am a man."

"Ohhhh," Dirk said, starting to understand it all. Suddenly, he felt very sick to his stomach.


The End.

Here is the long-awaited sequel...

...to my critically acclaimed horror novel Scary Shit. WARNING!!!! IF YOU HAVE NOT READ SCARY SHIT YET, DO NOT READ THIS ONE FIRST, BECAUSE YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THAT IS GOING ON. Here it is: Scary Shit 2: More Scary Shit.

Scary Shit 2: More Scary Shit

by Amanda


"I can't believe it has been a whole day since Candie was killed," said Candie Barr's less-hot best friend Britney Smith. "It feels like it was just a couple of hours ago."

"I know," said Dirk Kirkland, Britney's good-looking football player boyfriend. "I can't believe she was brutally murdered by a man with a knife."

"That must have sucked," said Britney. They nodded in agreement.

"Would you like to have sex tonight?" asked Dirk.

Britney, a virgin, gasped. "OMG!"

"What?" asked Dirk.

"I can't believe you would ask me if I wanted to have sex with you! I am a virgin!" Britney exclaimed.

"Yeah, so? You have to become a non-virgin sometime. Why not tonight?" asked hunky Dirk.

"Duh!" said Britney. "There is a killer on the loose! Killers don't kill virgins!"

"Oh," said Dirk. "You're right. I guess we can wait until after this guy is caught to have sex."

LATER THAT EVENING....

Dirk and Britney went to a party. "Would you like something to drink?" Dirk asked Britney.

"Sure," said Britney.

Dirk went over and got some fruit punch. He spiked it with alcohol. He then brought it back to Britney and she drank it. After about 3 cups of fruit punch, Britney got drunk, and Dirk led her up the stairs to a spare bedroom, where he proceeded to convince her to have sex with him.

They had sex.

Afterwards, they got dressed and went downstairs, where the party had started to break up. "That was a lot of fun," Britney admitted.

"I know," agreed Dirk. "Are you ready to leave?"

"Yes," said Britney. "But first I need to go outside in the secluded back yard all by myself."

"Okay," said Dirk.

Britney went out the back door, and into the backyard, where there was nobody around. All of a sudden, Man With The Knife jumped out from nowhere and stabbed Britney in the shoulder.

"Agghhh!" Britney screamed loudly. She fell to the ground.

Man With The Knife stabbed her again in the abdomen, just as Dirk came out the back door to see what was going on. "OMG!" he yelled as he saw what had happened. Quickly, Man With The Knife ran away.

Dirk ran over to Britney, who was barely alive anymore. "Honey! You've been stabbed!"

"This is all your fault," Britney said in a weak voice. "If you hadn't spiked my drink and made me have sex with you, he wouldn't have stabbed me. I told you: killers don't kill virgins." Britney then died.

Realizing she was probably right, Dirk said, "Oops."


THE END

I'm not sure. I might make this a trilogy. It depends on how positive my feedback is.

I wrote a horror novel today.

It is called Scary Shit. Let me know what you think of it!

Scary Shit

by Amanda


It was dark out, and it was raining. A young, big-breasted woman named Candie Barr was hanging out alone by the pool in her backyard. She was very rich.

"I think I'm going to take my clothes off and skinny dip in my pool," she said to herself. She took off her clothes and jumped into the pool. Little did she know, a man with a knife was watching her from the shadows.

"I feel like I'm being watched," Candie said, once again talking to herself.

"That's because I'm watching you," said Man With The Knife.

"Oh, well then that makes sense!" Candie said ditzyly. But then she realized she was talking to a man with a knife in his hand. "Oh noes!" she screamed, covering up her enormous breasts with her arms. "Are you going to kill me?"

"Yes," said Man With The Knife.

"Crap!" said Candie. She got out of the pool and walked over to Man With The Knife. "Please don't kill me!" she pleaded.

Man With The Knife ignored her, and stabbed her until she was dead.


THE END

Watch for the sequal, coming soon.

Health Crisis Update!

LOL

Sorry I haven't updated this blog in a few days. I've just been incredibly lazy about doing so.

So...Monday I had my doctor's appointment. It turns out the "lump" I've been seeing in the back of my throat is actually my epiglottis. The average person can't see their epiglottis just by looking in their throat, but for some reason, I am special. So everything turned out fine there. HOWEVER, while I was there, I informed him about another problem I've been having for almost a year: every time I smile, a slight tremor occurs in the corners of my mouth. Every time I stick out my tongue, it shakes uncontrollably. I can't believe I have let this go on for nearly a year without getting it checked out. I am insane. The doctor agreed that it is abnormal, so he took some blood work, testing for an over-active thyroid, a vitamin deficiency, and he tested my blood sugar levels because there is diabetes in my family. He told me if the blood work came back normal, then he suggested I go see a neurologist.

And...of course...I got my results back yesterday, and everything was just fine. I was actually hoping things wouldn't be fine, because then it might have been an easy problem to fix. But now I'm going to have to go see a neurologist, and who knows what might be wrong with me? It might be something that cannot be cured or fixed, and I may have to live the rest of my life with this, with it only getting worse.

Life sucks, doesn't it?

Ugh...I'm hella nervous.

So today is my doctor's appointment, and needless to say, I'm kind of nervous. Of course, I am afraid he is going to take one look in my throat and tell me that I have a tumor, and that I only have about 6 more months left to live. You see, it's not only the lump that has been concerning me. I've had things going on for the past few months - things that I have ignored because I hate going to see the doctor. Now I'm just afraid I am going to find out there is something terribly wrong with me, and that it is too late to have it reversed because I waited too long to have it checked out.... *Sigh*

I need to take my mind off of this. What is a good way to do that? Oh yeah - work! I have to leave in less than an hour, and work up until 45 minutes before my appointment. I guess work is a good way to take one's mind off of something like this. At least I will get to work with my boyfriend for a couple of hours beforehand. He helps to calm my nerves a little bit. That poor boy puts up with A LOT when it comes to being my boyfriend. And he does it without whining or complaining. He really, truly is the best thing that has ever happened to me. *kiss kiss, babe*